It's 4:15pm. Bo & I are aiming for the 5:30pm trip of Oceanjet for Cebu which is the last and only fastcraft trip we could take today to be able to return to Cebu same day... But I'm still here in the cafe and I am still not getting any updates from Bo. O yah, we're in Bohol right now! I can't believe I'm back here. I'm accompanying Bo in getting some of his stuffs from their house. I decided not to go with him in Baclayon so I'm here lingering in Netopia in ICM just like the old days.

I'm happy I came with Bo here. He really brightened up my day! I was so pissed earlier with my calls & the floorwalkers who assisted me unsuccesfully. I was so pissed, I needed to go on break and go out of the office. If I were monitored by Miami on one of my calls today, I am surely doomed! Argh! Hope not.. *fingers-crossed*

Anyway, I slept through the entire trip on Bo's lap! Hehe.. Can't help it... I was really drowsy. I'm lucky he was patient enough.. I was to feel bad about it but I received a big smile from him when I woke up so my conscience is clear! Hehe.. He told me he was just watching me sleep. I've seen pictures of my self sleeping and they're all awful! Toinks!

Oh, Bo's on his way. Got to go now! Ciao!

xoxo, jYgS

One day, just this week, while Bo was sleeping, my phone kept on beeping for incoming textmessages... unusually consecutively! I picked up my phone and found out that I was receiving lots of empty messages from my mom's sun number. My eyebrows crossed and wondered... So I immediately pulled out my sun and called my mum.

WE found out that it was Sheed messing with my mum's phone. He unusually volunteered to talk to me over the phone and we talked for quite a long time.. again-- UNUSUALLY. He was being so sweet to me and all... With his tone, I could hear how much he was missing me... He kept on calling my name endearly. (name refers to "mommy"). And that just breaks my heart.

I miss Sheed more and more everyday. You'll be with mommy & daddy soon.. soon baby... We love you.

As we looked each other in the eyes last night, tears fell...
Coz we knew in that moment, everything we were rebuilding has broken apart.

I looked at you, you looked at me. How could I forget?
Nothing was more sincere than what we felt that moment...
Moment filled with so much pain and regret.
Indeed the eyes are the windows to our soul.

You thought you're done crossing the bridge...
You did not realize that you were just starting to cross it.

I'm giving you a hard time... I have too many demands you say.
But now, let me ask you, which life is easier? Are you happier now?
If you are, then good for you. But I tell you, nothing's ever free.

It's as if everything you do for me is my debt to you.
Everything I do is a threat to you.

If you only look closely... look closely to what's really inside me...
You'll see yourself and our kid.

Sheed is still very sweet and smiling. Still empathetic and conscientious. Still very sensitive and "lu-oran". Still love cars/bikes and the waters. Still loves to eat wafer sticks and still loves to drink juice/iced tea. But there are some things that has changed/improved about him.

Sleeping Habit. Before, he would just lie down beside me, I hug him or rub his back and he would go to sleep.. Now, he demands for a lullaby and it must be my mum who'd dance him to sleep. He is now my mum's "ikog". He would call my mum "mommy-shark" or "mommy-horse" and call himself "baby-shark" or "baby-horse" as well. His way of endearment I guess. Hehe..

Social Relationship. He is now more polite and sociable. When our tenants arrive (his "Papa" Viane and the teachers from St. Paul's), he would welcome them and asks for their hands to "bless". (Sorry I don't know how to put it in English. Haha!) He is not afraid of guys anymore. He is now socially normal. Hehe....

Speech and Communication. His speech is improving. He speaks more clearly now and constructs his bisaya-sagol-english sentences carefully. He can now communicate his feelings/wants/needs better.

Routine. The things I like most about him now are his appetite and willingness to brush his teeth! He always eats. He asks for a meal or biscuits to munch... and he drinks his milk! PLUS he takes his vitamins willfully everyday! He brushes his teeth every morning and before taking his evening bath. And note, he always asks for something to eat before going to sleep! I pray to God about these things everyday and I praise Him He hears me! I am so thankful!

Well, that's all I could think for now. I better move my ass here and spend my last day here in Ormoc with more worthy things. Ciao!

~ jYgS ~

I just arrived 2:30pm Sunday here in Ormoc and now it's already Wednesday.. I'll be leaving for Cebu again tonight! Geez... I could barely imagine my life back there.

Anyway, let me tell you about my short vacation. I was not given permission to swap dayoff with another colleague. Notwithstanding, I decided to push through anyway. So after my shift, I hailed a cab for PIer 4. SInce I didn't have a ticket yet then, I told the driver I was in a hurry so we got there in like 10 minutes!

While I was getting my round-trip tickets, my sister arrived with my things and surprisingly, Mej was there also.. with Sharif and her colleague Carina. I felt sorry my sister could not go with me but at least I didn't have to travel alone.

My Pa picked me up from the port. It's comforting to see Ormoc again. As I entered our porch, Sheed rushed to the door and stopped with a big smile on his face, plus his unchanged giggles... He is taller with chubby cheeks! He ran towards me and I received him with open arms. I hugged him tightly and he hugged me back placing his cheek on my shoulder. We missed each other so much! He was all-smiles while I... couldn't help my tears from falling. So we went into our room, lie down our bed and cuddled! I cried to my content... to my content at least for that day. He was sweet as always... Paraygon gihapon! I couldn't stop hugging and kissing him... How great it feels to be with him again.

Although I felt a bit sorry for him because he was looking for his daddy the whole day! He was really expecting he'd arrive. When he heard a man's voice, he immediately asked if it was his dad. He would get my mobile phone and say "Let's text daddy".. It was awkward for me but I always tell him the truth that his dad's not coming. But he would just say "Muabot si daddy LAGI!"...

Anyway, we went to the beach yesterday morning (Sheed, mum & I)... I just watched my kid from the shore enjoying his swim with my mum. He really loves the water. He enjoyed jumping from the rock and putting sand and pebbles into his bucket. He would hardly go home as usual.

I felt almost perfectly peaceful as I watched my kid happily playing in the sand. There will always be a part of me missing, empty... But my kid will never fail to cure my loneliness. I have him. That's what matters most. I am his mom, he is my kid. It can never be changed. I guess that's what makes me secure being with him... because I know and I'm sure I belong.

Our relationship had been very shaky... Yet I continued dreaming that we'd go out together for work at dawn... I have you beside me while waiting for a ride... Swipe my ID to log-in with you behind me... See you around the office...  Eat with you in the pantry or somewhere else... And we wait for each other in the lobby at the end of our shift to go home together.

I had pictured we'd paint the walls in our room together and make it our little home... Windowshop for our endless things-to-buy list... Visit Sheed together in Ormoc... Deal with our petty fights... Kiss and make-up... And most importantly, settle things hand in hand to have Sheed live back with us and really start building OUR family...

But I'm just a dreaming fool.

I hate my life! I hate myself! I hate HIM! I always thought we will build our family together. But HECK! He could not stand up for us! He doesn't love us enough to be able to sacrifice himself for us! It hurts... It's killing me! F**K! I was to move on.. I was unbreakably strong... but I gave him a chance. Yet it turned out I was right with the decision I made that March.. Now my dreams are broken. I feel so freakin' sad and lonely.... everyday is depressing! Sheed always makes me feel better at times like these but he's not with me here. Thinking of him is not enough. I need him by my side to make me stronger. Oh Sheed... mommy badly needs your help! I'm sorry for being weak. I love you so much.

I'm already lacking courage with all that I'm doing here. Maan suggested that I go transfer in Ormoc, study and work there instead so I could be with Sheed. She told me the callcenter there has reopened and they're currently hiring applicants.

Well I think it's a great idea. I will check on that when I can come home.  I need to check on the company and the job it offers... It's stability is very important. There are no other establishments I could apply to in Ormoc with my LOW qualifications. Argh. I've told ate about it but she does not totally agree. I've told her if I'm going to push through, it wouldn't be this month or the next. I have things to yet accomplish here in Cebu and I still need to think about everything and see what are my other options, if there are any at that. But I'm considering it big because that way, Sheed and I will be together again and I will be with my family also. It won't be lonely and it won't be financially difficult when I'm there. And the chance for going back to school is greater and my tasks would be a lot easier that way. PLUS I can move on faster I think. But I don't want to leave my big sis alone here too. I have to make sure first she's already okay.

Anyway, I have interreign days off this week and I don't know yet what's for next week. I really hope I could go home the soonest. I miss Sheed so much. So much it hurts. And with all these problems and failure... It's too much to bear!

There are lots of things needed to be done. I'm running out of resources. It seems I'm all alone in this. I feel the need for haste but it seems the people around me don't feel the same way. I guess I have to accept it and start running things on my own.. without having to rely on anyone. I'm not blaming other people. Of course not. I just thought I won't be alone in this. I miss Sheed so much and yet I could not reach him easily.